Sure don't feel that old. I need more time to write.... heer's something to make you laugh, not my experience. My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will besomething akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubtyou will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the nearfuture. Here goes... Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I boughtsomething really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a littlesomething extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun witha clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it isa less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed toincapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperageelectricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to beshort lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, butallowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push thebutton, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen oneof these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twoAAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I wasso disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model wouldnot create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do lovefire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, andpressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch ofelectricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was solooking forward to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch ofelectricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explainto her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting littlesoul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) andthinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and bloodtarget. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a secondand thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if Iwas going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against amugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. AmI wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst wouldshock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed tocause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burstwould purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish outof water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, andloaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "Nofriggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of whatfollowed.I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to oneside as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It isso obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though itseemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched theprongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpetover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dogwas standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking myface, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, onenote of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when youzap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it isdislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deepinto your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, astime was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (whatlittle I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses wereon the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, rightthigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it hadbeen shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give ortake an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'moffering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I mustsay so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back. Never Touchin' the Taser Again!

Source: I'm all in....