In my lap sits a fairly nice laptop computer. Oh, how i have been dreaming of owning one of these for the past 2 years or ever since i realized i can't really write in a PDA (although i did buy a flexible keyboard that is really cool but didn't get much use of other than some personal journal entries). I remember that my instructor for "introduction to novel writing" said a colleague of hers wrote an entire novel on his palm pilot writing in graffiti (before the hand-writing recognition software became more common). And so, the seed was planted in my brain of finding an instrument to get me writing. The PDA was the more economical choice of the time, but now all i do with that PDA is play Yahtzee, Drug Wars, or a game called "Vexed". And so I am tempted to get a laptop more so now than before. I can be on my computer in any room in the house, away from the house, even in a long car ride. This laptop is in my possession at the moment to get me to see how i feel about it... even though i'm plugged in and charging right now, i am enjoying the fact that i can stretch out my legs while i'm writing this. Bebot Geez, i've been wanting to write about this Black Eyed Peas song for the longest time, but everytime i blog, i forget the key things i want to write about. On the Monkey Business album, there is a song called Bebot, and it is rapped in Tagalog. It's produced pretty well with every intention of making it one of those club songs, and the lyrics once translated are actually very clever and embody the Filipino lifestyle somehow. I'm sure that all debuts for the next 4 years will have this song blasting, maybe even some choreographed dancing. I am so trapped in the thought of being 18!! Something Beautiful Robbie Williams has a great song from his Escapology CD called "Something Beautiful", and i've had it on repeat for the past week in my car. I'm actually going to type out lyrics now, and as I am doing so, i will sing along. *** I wrote one verse, and got confused with the second verse, so i am going to opt out of typing out the whole song. *** This song just seems to mean more to me now than before. There's a particular line saying "All your friends think you're satisfied, but they can't see your soul..." The essence of the song is just everything i've put myself through. It's about settling for things you don't have to settle for, making decisions based on what's in front of you instead of what you really want to happen. In the end there is something worth while if you just give it a chance to get there. When he first performed this song on a TV concert, he said that he had written it and was going to let Tom Jones sing it, but decided he wanted it for himself. "May you find that love that won't leave you, may you find it by the end of the day, if you're lost, hurt, tired and lonely, something beautiful will come your way" Beyond My Abilities I wrote about linear logic and problem solving, and i just proved to myself that i am not nearly as smart as i'd like to believe i am. I just really want to learn how things work and am willing to make mistakes along the way to figure that out. I took apart my computer, swapped it with a newer CPU and mother board, and when i installed my hard drives, they were unreadable, and up until now, are causing me problems. I remember my uncle once said that i just go through things by trial and error with no regard for trying to get it right the first time. It's not like i want to make all these mistakes and hit all these roadblocks along the way, but i just do, and i learn to get around them one way or another. Just by writing this, i am struck by another revelation... If this is how i problem solve, then maybe i'm just problem solving my love life... still disappointed if something doesn't work right away, but i know that down the line i can make it work. I'm not at the point of just nuking my hard drives because they are still useful, and aside from a glitch here and there, they do more or less what they are supposed to do. I will be really happy though when everything will be running as it's meant to and i don't have to listen to the hum of the CPU cooling fan while my tower is open. Bemusement Park Get it? Instead of amusement i said bemusement. If you've been reading any of my blogs you will know i'm bemused. I went to Canada's Wonderland on Sunday, and didn't go on any of the rides. I didn't even eat funnel cake. I liked being there because i was in good company, but it was just such a strange experience for me. Made me appreciate all the times as kids my parents would take me and my sisters and my cousins to wonderland while they watched us go on rides as they just sat there watching us have fun. Anyway, what bemused me was why i can't really let myself have fun doing anything anymore. Here i am in a place where everyone seemed to be having fun, and i was just there, being my normal self. It's starting to make me wonder how often i have a sad hang-dog expression on my face. I usually shrug it off as being tired, but it' s been a long time since i've just been able to go out and have a fun time without caring about anything. I can't stand crowded places, long line ups or hot weather, so maybe that effected my mood. I just feel the most at ease when i feel like i'm doing something productive. I won a penguin for my friend on behalf of her boyfriend who was riding a rollercoaster, and that made me happier. I did something and got rewarded for it indirectly. I guess it's just not in me to line up for 20 minutes to get on a ride that i don't come away with anything from. I'm not a thrill seeker or an adrenaline junkie. I'm just so content in doing little things here and there that maybe it seems like i'm never having fun. Will the day ever come where i just want to have fun at any cost? Circular History I used to think that i was meeting a cycle of girls, where if i were to list all the girls in chronological order that i've had a crush on, dated or what have you, that i would be able find a number where they would all start repeating in similarities. I was reminded of this because i just saw a picture of someone online that i remember having a crush on 5 years ago. It's also strange that that person has come to mind yesterday during a "Long Time No See" lunch with someone that knew her and proof that it's a small world became awkwardly evident one night, also 5 years ago. I think i will try writing that out tonight to see if there is any truth to it.

Source: The Pebble Says...