Yesterday, one of my 3 lame shifts fromwork got cut, so i found myself with an unexpected day off. I intensified my job search yesterday, finding myself applying to almost anything i felt i could be remotely qualified for. Needing to clear my head, i took a trip to the mall, making sure i didn't cross the store front. I wasn't there to find a job, but i still felt the need to carry around 5 copies of my resume just in case something did come across me. The more i walked around, the more i realized that being in this position just sucks. I walked into Walter's music store, and there was a middle-aged Filipino man playing the piano. I don't know if he works there as a piano teacher or was just bored in the mall and decided to take his fingers for a walk on the keyboard, but it made me stop and listen. This guy was playing in a way that really made me think. He was so effortless while playing jazzy tunes on the piano. If anything, it made me feel so... blah. I watched and knew that there was a definite passion for him and the piano, and the appreciation of working hard at something you enjoy really started to jab itself into the grey matter of my brain. Think of anyone who has accomplished anything, and they are all driven by something. They develop relationships with the tools of their trade that nobody else can understand. Nobody can match what Tiger Woods can do with a golf club in his hand. Lance Armstrong has his bike and can win race after race. This guy had the ability to play the piano, and as far as i knew it didn't win him any merits, but it did earn respect. Compare it to the kids that run into a music store and just start playing chopsticks, or pick up a guitar and play one riff (there was also a guy in the store playing Daughters by John Meyer on a guitar, and i felt like singing along). To go beyond that, beyond basic understanding of the function of something, and make something magical happen with it isn't in everyone's capabilities. So with that, i began to really think what I am doing with my life. Sure, people want to be good at different things, but only those that try to be the best actually get anywhere with it. I've been so lazy throughout my life that it's amazing i've even come this far. There's a reason why i become jealous when i am witness to something that i know would have taken a lot of effort to get to a certain point. It's always about someone having an idea, and then actually having the drive to execute the idea. This of course all ties in to the bigger fact that i don't seem to ever finish what i start. I fear getting so deep into something that i can't look back and change things. What i need to do is keep pushing myself if i want to become successful. I don't really know of anyone that really wanted something bad enough, pushed, and finally got it. I know of people that had artistic visions that just got stopped short of achieving any widely appreciated success. I listen to the audio commentary tracks of movies just to hear directors and screen writers talk about how they got to where they were. The two guys that wrote "Rounders" put it together in a basement, and were inspired by one of them losing all of his money in one night. "Clerks" was written by Kevin Smith after attending one year of a two-year program at the Vancouver Film School because he wanted to take the money from the leftover tuition to create the movie. These two examples share in the fact that they just wanted to do something, and did it, but also found success after. Where do i find that desire? How do i shake off this laziness and concept of settling? Am i beyond a point of actually making something meaningful happen for myself? These are just a few of the questions that i came up with just because i saw an old man that could play the piano really well in a mall. What i need is a passion statement. Something that i can envision myself doing, and just work to that one goal. I've been living my life day-to-day for so long, forcing myself to project past the end of the week weirds me out. If i really think about it, i just let things fall into place, moving from one job to another, not really because i want to, but just because it is convenient. I get a job at BR because it's close to school and a friend could get me a job there. I leave BR because an old co-worker wants me to work with him at another store. I leave that because an opportunity comes up to get paid for something i've been volunteering for. That job ends, and i wind up in retail just because i have so much retail experience. And with that, i've come full circle. I have so much misguided pride. At this point i shouldn't even be thinking about picking and choosing, but that thought of never settling for just anything keeps popping back up. This week will determine my future whether i like it or not. My job hunting abilities are just going to have to come up with something soon. What people don't realize about me and what i want to really do, is that it's not really something that is offered as a "job". Unless you're a harlequin romance writer, you can't be stuffed into an office and forced to churn out stories. What i really need is just a body of work, an agent, and then hopefully someone crazy enough to buy my ideas. Then it becomes a job. Until then however, it is just a hobby. To get from point A to point B requires me to fill my time with other real jobs where i do work and actually get paid for it. With art, you do work, and hope to get paid in the end. This is where my journey begins whether i like it or not. Up until now, it's all been about getting by "for now", but that's all changed. I need to give myself that vision, that driving force, and use it to get to where i really want to be. Isn't it strange how much i second guess myself and my actions, yet despise it when other people do it to me? That reminds me, i had a business plan pop into my head yesterday, and it's cheap enough that i think it might be something worth looking into. Just gotta talk to the right people. Haha not even 2 minutes pass and i get side tracked.

Source: The Pebble Says...