Facing Reality Isn't it horrible that it takes some sort of a tragedy to finally push lazy-asses like myself to move? I hate that i couldn't find the will power on my own to make things happen. It's nice to just kinda sit through life, being "okay" with everything that happens, but then it hits you like you wouldn't believe. I finally had to say to myself that the things i've been doing, been thinking, been ignoring... all these things had to change to move me out of this blah life and into something else. So where did i start? I started with the job hunt. I really had no option to start anywhere else, because in my life right now there is a list of priorities i have to take care of, and at the top of that list is my financial obligations. 12 hours a week doesn't cut it at my present job. They tell me that on the horizon when people go back to school i can pick up more hours, but that's not what i want. I am far from comfortable working there as is, and i don't want to hate myself more for letting myself do things i never wanted to do. The logic behind this is, in the minimal chance i end up staying there for a year, i have to meet some performance expectations as a "Stock associate" as of right now, but if i take on other duties more often, they will begin to take those numbers into consideration, and since i am much much more effective in a stock room, my numbers will most likely work against me and any possible annual increase. The deep rooted paranoia about that is from my first ever retail job back in 1998, and when i was hired as a stock person i had no problem, but then i found myself working on the sales floor, and then all of a sudden, the store is going down the tubes, and the 5th and final manager of the store tells me that my numbers are too low and i have to be let go. It wasn't a huge blow considering the store folded within a month of my release, but the foundation of my fear in working customer service was there. It's not that i don't get along with customers, but i just can't sell to them. Excuse or reason, that's why i don't want to expand my horizons at my present place of employment. So where did that leave me? As of right now, i have a resume with a lot of retail experience and some in-office stuff, so i figure why not try to just roll with it for now and see where it can take me. I'm actually looking at jobs in corporate retail environments, or retail jobs with more involved and dedicated tasks instead of "okay today you do this, tomorrow you do that". I actually rebuilt my resume and really hope it's effective enough to at least get me some interviews. At least that way i can learn what i may have to do to actually get my foot in the door. Clerks After 10 years, i finally decided to rewatch this movie. Being a Kevin Smith Film fan, it never really interested me to see this movie again. Well, today, i finally sat down and watched it, and let me tell you, it was a HUGE eye opener. Sure the generation it speaks to is slightly older, and at the time i watched it, at the tender age of 15 or 16, i didn't get it. Ten years later though, and i am feeling this enormously sick sense of "i think he's talking about guys like me". And so the story goes... Dante, a clerk at a convenience store is called into work on his day off, and through his day he grumbles and groans over his ex girlfriend, his current girlfriend, his job, his life, only to be countered by his cohort Randall, who is like Dante's id personified, lashing out at customers, saying things inapropriate, selling cigarettes to minors, not taking things seriously and just living life not according to his job title. As with all Kevin Smith movies, each character has a huge block of dialogue to go through, and it's gaining my appreciation as the movie wears on (i never watched this movie because i didn't remember liking it all that much when i saw it the first time, and only became a fan after Mallrats). It was just strange that i finally decide to watch this movie when i finally come to grips with my situation in life and what i need to do to make change. I will definitely watch this again with the director's commentary on, and hope to absorb more from it. Anti-Social Behaviour I am willing to admit I am antisocial. I am an introvert. Nobody has really ever seen the way I am in my most natural state because regardless of who i am around, i am never really truely comfortable. That is why it's strange that my best friend is the exact opposite of me, but i guess it's almost fitting since i need a polar opposite to balance my life. If i didn't have that then i'd be a huge mess right now. So what is the real me? The real me is insecure about everything, but i don't show that because people don't want to be around that. The real me is so censored when i'm around other people, that I avoid being around lots of people most of the time because it makes me uncomfortable. Such is the case with most introverts (i would like to think). Time well spent is time alone on the greater part, but then i get these spells of lonliness and isolation that just freak me out (i.e. the Chicago apartment sitting). I am such a guarded person when it comes to what i think and feel, that i become elated when i can express myself to another person, but then worried that the person i'm talking to is just humouring me and not really listening to anything i'm saying. If anyone wonders why i can't socialize, why i only keep particular friends, it's because i've willingly and conciously made a bond with these people, and i don't care to make bonds with everyone i meet. I'm just not built that way i guess. I do get jealous of those that can seem to befriend everyone they meet, but i also know that the jealousy is just me not willing to be comfortable with the way i approach things, and thinking that it's not normal to not want to be the guy that knows everyone. The true bond of friendship is the most important thing to me, and unfortunately if i can't establish that with someone, i am indifferent. I'm sure i've talked before about people never knowing my name and such, since highschool (i really think only a handful of my teachers knew my name) and i brought it upon myself because i didn't want to be on a name basis with a lot of people. I'd like to think that the people that know my name actually know me, and the people that have just heard my name or see a familiar face just think they know me, and i have nothing to prove to them. I have no idea where all that came from, but it's out there now, and i have no reason to delete it from this entry. Awww crap... i was about to write about something else but i just blanked. As i try to let the thought re-enter my mind, i will talk about something else. The song Chariot by Gavin Degraw has finally grown on me, and is now on my Karaoke to-do list. Very difficult vocal range in this song for my range, but that's why it's on repeat in my car. Can you believe i got spammed in my blog? i was excited to see a comment posted, only to see nonsense about stock advise. take a look at my last blog entry if you're interested. The thought has escaped me. I'm giving up for now.

Source: The Pebble Says...